Posts tagged music
Posts tagged music
It’s the question on a million lips: What the hell is the deal with Lady Gaga? Seemingly everything about her is an puzzle, from her choice in clothes to her possible penis. She’s a riddle, wrapped in a Bjork, inside an enigma, but possibly with a penis. Her unorthodox behaviour may just be the sad logical conclusion of our society’s obsession with fame, where just standing around screaming “LOOK AT ME!” is an acceptable substitute for talent and experience. Or maybe it’s something else. Something else entirely.
I put it to you that Lady Gaga doesn’t actually exist. It’s all a hoax. One big lie.
Try and listen to one of her songs, and actually pay attention. I know it hurts, but try. Isn’t it obvious that they’re computer-generated amalgams of the novelty dance hits of the last 5 years? Why is her face always covered in increasingly bizarre shades, masks and…. whatever the hell else? Because it’s never one person! There is a pool of Lady Gagas, each with a sufficiently low knowledge of the entire operation so that they can’t expose the whole thing. It’s a classic terrorist cell. What’s the deal with the possible penis? One of them’s a dude! It all falls into place!
There is no such thing as Lady Gaga.
But why? Why do it? There’s a hundred reasons! There’s nobody to split the profits with, no ego to stroke, no scandals, feuds, or sex tapes except for the ones carefully planned and orchestrated by the cabal. It’s just like that movie with Al Pacino and the actress who is actually a robot, Oceans 13!
The big question: is she the only one? Is she a prototype, a look at things to come, or is she just the most obvious non-existant popstar? Has anyone really seen a Jonas Brother in real life? Is Avril Lavigne really Canadian, or is that just a convenient excuse for her to never be seen by actual people? Oh God, what if American Idol is just one big sentient computer program trapping us all in its virtual web of deceipt?!
The truth is out there! Vive la Resistance!
There’s no such thing as Lady Gaga!
Is this shitgaze? Is that still a thing? Oh shitgaze. Oh my. Don’t even get me started. I think this is shitgaze. It has that unmistakable ‘Music by people who hate music for people who hate music’ stench to it. I accept that ‘ironic’-retro is an easy way for the lazy and untalented to pretend to be cool, and yes, it’s marginally less horrific than the metalcrabcores, but honestly. Enough.
Also, unless you have spent more than an hour with one of those tape-head cleaning-tapes that you had to drip cleaning fluid into a little hole and then run through your video player and cry because your favorite GI Joe tape was destroyed, then you have no right trying to make ignorant children think VHS is cool.
Step it up Williamsburg, this crap is just embarrassing.
Music. Is there anything else as ubiquitous? Is there any other facet of our culture as omnipresent, as inescapable, as music? No, there is not. We are subjected to music as constantly as we are to oxygen, but unlike oxygen, music is terrible.
Terrible.
Spare me your rebuttals, your protestations, your outrage. Music is terrible, and that is that. “Oh, but what about the Beatles, and Mozart, and that one Jay-Z album that everyone owns?” you cry. What about them? What colour is the sky? Blue, the sky is blue. Except for about 50% of the time, when it’s black. It’s called night-time. The sky is black half of the time, but ask anyone what colour the sky is, and they will say blue. So what about the Beatles, and Mozart, and that one Jay-Z album everyone owns? They are tiny seahorses floating in an ocean of terribleness. Do we say the ocean is made up of water, and tiny seahorses? No, the oceans are made of water. And music is made up of terribleness.
What are we to do about this? What can we do about this? Music has the greatest PR team in the history of mankind. Every day we are programmed to think music is mankind’s greatest achievement, the culmination of all our millennia of culture and civilization. That when we finally make contact with the aliens, it will be music that bridges the gap of millions of light years.
What a bunch of horsecrap. Music is the worst.
And that’s what we can do. Get the word out that music is terrible. Music is the emperor, and it’s clothes are non-terribleness, and it has none!
Welcome to a new age of enlightenment.
Welcome to Music is Terrible.
