Music Is Terrible!

The Black Eyed Peas have become something of an easy target in recent years.  Songs like “My Humps” and “Boom Boom Pow” are rallying points for the army of online music nerds bemoaning the death of modern pop music.  They seem unstoppable; releasing mindless, autotuned, sub-moronic ad jingles stretched out to interminable lengths, and yet sucking in cash like some kind of Donald Trump/Sperm Whale hybrid.  Being nothing more than a jingle-factory, the Peas allow their ‘songs’ to be licensed by anyone with two dimes to rub under their noses,  making them even more inescapable and infuriating.  All in all, if there is one band that truly exemplifies the phrase ‘Music is terrible’, it is the Black Eyed Peas. 

Yet, I bear them no ill will, and neither should you, for three reasons. 

One, they weren’t always like this.  They’ve been around since the late 80’s, and their first two albums were decent, if a little self-righteous, old-school hiphop albums.  Did you know that?  I don’t think a lot of people do.  Because they sold all of about 5 copies each.  Hell, after 15 years of hard work with that little to show for it, I’d sell my soul to Fergie too.

Two, whatever they may once have been, today they are the Black Eyed Peas.  They aren’t a band.  They are not artists.  They are will.i.am, apl.de.ap, Taboo and Fergie.  There are no pretensions here, no claims of integrity.  To paraphrase one of the great minds of our age, expecting the Peas not to make terrible, mind numbing, soul killing dance-pop would be like asking a fish not to swim, a bird not to fly, a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.

Three, and most important, the Black Eyed Peas did something unprecedented in the annals of terrible, mind numbing, soul killing dance-pop; they warned us.  In 2003, they told us exactly what their plans were.  To get retarded.  And what did we do?  We laughed.  We played it ‘ironically’ at parties but secretly enjoyed dancing like idiots to it.  We got ‘outraged’ on behalf of the mentally handicapped and made them change the lyrics.  We didn’t listen. 

Now, we must endure.